Often my life has not gone as planned. Having a chronic illness dissipated my hopes and dreams. Then when I dared hope again, new health problems crushed me. But once I worked through the grief and anger, I found times of renewal. A greater appreciation for what I had grew, new life rose from the ashes, and a sense of childlike wonder returned.
In the movie, It’s A Wonderful Life[i], George Bailey kept losing one expectation after another. His dreams of travelling, having an important job, prestige, and money all dissipated over the years. His darkest moment came when it looked like his savings and loan business was going to be lost. However, an angel showed him how many lives he had changed by his acts of kindness and love. At the end, he ran through the streets shouting and rejoicing as he realized the wonder of the life he had built.
Years ago, after going through a depression and a major illness, I worked at a summer camp and felt a wonderful sense of renewal and hope. Spending time with my friends was a delight. The mountains around me were tall and strong. I stood one day and cried tears of joy. The singing of a bird, the rushing of a stream, the green of the trees, the sparrow hawks wheeling overhead were all new and more beautiful than I could remember. The ability to work seemed more precious than ever, because I knew what it was like not to be able to reach for my dreams.
In Disney’s Fantasia 2000[ii], there was a beautiful story of renewal set to the music of Stravinsky’s “Firebird Suite”. It started out with an elk walking through a forest covered in winter snow. The elk awakened his friend the sprite from an icicle. Gladly spreading spring across the land, the sprite made flowers and trees bloom. But when she got to the volcano, she couldn’t turn it green.
The volcano erupted, destroying everything in its path. Trees were left blackened and charred. Gray ashes fell slowly to the ground. The elk found the sprite buried in ashes. It nudged her, but she crouched in dejection. It seemed a dark moment, but then the elk tenderly lifted her with its antlers. As it ran with the sprite riding, tears coursed down her face and dropped to the ground. Where the tears fell, green plants sprang up. When the sprite saw this, she was heartened. Then she joyfully sent rain across the land. Flying across the forest, she turned everything green again. In the end, she even covered the volcano with green and life.
I came to Arizona with dreams of building a new life for myself. I had been through enough winters; it was time for spring. But when my health failed steadily, and I watched my dreams shatter one by one, I was so angry and hurt. I lost my job, and everyday tasks such as making meals and cleaning became increasingly difficult. Soon I couldn’t even stand without collapsing. Wondering what I had done to deserve a whole new illness, I felt buried under the ashes of my expectations. How could I dare hope again, when there was such a chance of loss?
Finally, under my tears, I began to see the formation of new hopes. I found meaning in inspiring movies and books. Returning to school gave me new perspectives. Learning of different cultures and disabilities helped me see how others have coped with the struggles of life. Gaining computer skills opened up possibilities. Only in letting go of old expectations have I dared to plant the seeds of new dreams.
Because I spent so long in the dark, childlike wonder and laughter have become priceless gifts. In the movie Hook[iii], Peter Pan had left Neverland and grown up. As a corporate lawyer, his business was more important to him than spending time with his children. When his children were kidnapped, he returned to Neverland to find them. In order to help them, he had to remember what it was like to be a child. To learn to fly again, he had to think of a happy thought. By regaining a child’s imagination, he learned to be Peter Pan again and to defeat Hook. Once back in London, when his business partner called, he tossed the phone out the window and hugged his family.
One summer, I went with my friend to the lake, and we built a sandcastle and splashed and played in the water. Another time, my husband and I walked along a lakeshore and enjoyed feeling the sand between our toes. Trying to chase a motorboat, my dog got several feet out across the water before he sank. He was so excited that he forgot that he couldn’t walk on water.
In the year 2000, after five years of inability, my husband and I went with my parents to Las Vegas. We had fun at Star Trek: The Experience. We thoroughly enjoyed being beamed up to the Enterprise and taking a wild ride in a space shuttle. The next day, we went to the Excalibur, where they had a jousting tournament. We got to see the knights of King Arthur’s court battle with the evil wizard and dragons.
Simple things, such as laughter, everyday life, spending time with loved ones, and being able to get up and do things I used to take for granted, seemed so much more precious after losing them for a time. I learned that life could be wonderful, even when it didn’t turn out as planned, and that hope could spring up from the ashes of old expectations. When it seemed like the light would never return, I remembered the psalm (30:5) that says, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”
[i] It’s A Wonderful Life. Liberty Films Inc. 1946.
[ii] Igor Fyodorovich Stravinsky. “Firebird Suite”. Fantasia 2000. Disney Enterprises Inc. 2000.
[iii] Directed by Steven Spielberg. Hook. TriStar Pictures. 1991.
Dandelion flying seed by angelicavaihel on Pixabay
